Writings of a Shweem.

So, Ethan dumped me as well.
And Cody doesn't want a relationship with me.

But...I met someone. :3
Well...I was introduced. His name is Britton. And he's pretty much amazing. He appreciates me in a way that I haven't been appreciated in a long time. And, I really like him. :D

He's the lead singer in a metal band. But he doesn't have a huge ego, which I LOVE. Is that weird? IDK. He's a super geek, like me. And that's pretty much the most adorable and attractive thing ever.

His acne bothers me a little, but that's nothing that can't be fixed.

Gosh, he's awesome.
And just what I need.
:)

So, last night I totally fucked Cody's brains out.
He said that he was able to do it without emotion, but Even if that's the case, I think he knows what he is missing and that his decision was way too impulsive.
And DAYM, the sex was good. haha
It seems like we have better sex when we're not together. lol
But anyway. I'm still crazy in love with him, and I'm hoping that I change his mind.
I know I have to plan for the worst though. I mean, he could still not want to be with me. And, I have to accept that. I'm just happy that I was able to tell him what I was feeling and He was able to tell me what he was thinking.
And that makes me feel better than anything else. :)

Oh, I got the results from my psych test. I have Inattentive ADD and acute Anxiety. I think it makes sense. I just can't show my mom my full report since it says that I have a history of Weed use. :P

Anyway, YAY! life is getting better. :D

Well, here we are again old friend.
Here I am to write down all my sorrows just so that I can tell someone how I really feel. Someone who I'm not afraid will get upset or judgmental or tell me to suck it up.

Well, Cody is a fuckwad. A GIANT wad of FUCK. He left me for this girl who I've heard is a downgrade, but how is that if he chose me over her?

I'm seeing him tomorrow. :/
I'm a little excited, mostly because I'm gonna make myself look like a million $ and hope to god he realizes what a retarded dick he is being.

I suppose the good part about not eating was that I've lost weight. Now, I'm just watching what I eat. It's not too hard as long as I have tasty vanilla milk drinks. lol

I was willing to leave Ethan for him. WTF. Well...I was thinking about it. It's such a hard decision. Apparently for him it wasn't, though. Fucker. He tossed me out like fucking expired milk.

I hope this chick sucks in bed. Because I'm AWESOME. And it's fucking hard to find sex like mine without dating a porn star.

I'm done. Nice talking with you.

So lately, Ex-boyfriends have REALLY been pissing me off.
More making me jealous.
But whatever.

-October posting pics.
(But I was kind of a Bitch and posted a pic of me with Ethan. >_>)
-Brian and his little spout with his highschooler.
(Hunny Bunny was supposed to be OUR thing. >_<)

Gah. Douchefags without meaning to. I'm so possessive. v_v

Brian has been giving me the most trouble though. It's not like he was the best boyfriend I ever had...it's just that he was the one I loved the most. It's horrible and stupid and I just want him to go away but, idk.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
*Hatred*

But in other news,
I'm in the musical! Yay! It's called Bare. It's about some gay guys in catholic school. lol

Ethan came with me to Lake villa. :) It was really fun and I think he had a good time too.
He was holding Spooky!! XD
I really love him a lot, and I'm so happy to be with him. I just wish we had had some more cuddle time this weekend. We're both a little cuddle deficient right now. :(

I think that's all.
-Patty

So, I'm fucking SICK of my knee being messed up. I fail to believe it was just from sex.
Cuz sex is awesome.
And this is NOT awesome.

But anyway.
First day back to class was awesome! Slightly awkward that I'm like, the ONLY girl in the Pit, but whatever! I like it better that way. No horrible, pointless, high school drama. XD
Chior teacher seams cool. Math teacher seems confusing. Sci-fi teacher, awesome. Because it's Duckwitz.

I get to meet my Tai kwon do teacher tomorrow...if I'm even able to fucking do anything. >_< Gonna fucking amputate above the knee and put a machine gun in its place. (I'll have to have something else for formal occasions and awkward social situations, though. Totally need to bring that up tomorrow.)

Rummage sale went shitty. There wasn't a lot that people bought. I put some of the furniture up on craigslist. Hopefully I get some NOT spam.

Oh. And I'm out of Red Bull. And money. Fuck, it's been a shitty week.
But better than Jo's.
I suppose that's horrible to say, but it's true. I'll keep my life, thanks. :P

Well, There's my update. I think I'll play sims. After I make a word in the Urban Dictionary. XD

-Patty

So, I know what's up with Jo, finally. They're broken up. That's all I can really express right now because it is far to complicated for comprehension.

More importantly, School starts tomorrow!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I've been SOOO bored. and I can't wait to see everyone. And Alana and Chops are in my English class! :D I dunno anyone in my other classes. That's cool though. I like meeting new people. :)

While I was cleaning my room, I found an old Journal of mine spanning a relatively long time...for a journal of mine. It goes from the Mason incident at Worth to when I was going out with Nick. It's pretty crazy. and DAYM was I adorable and niieve! I thought it was a big deal to get kissed on the cheek! XP I'm so cute. haha
Another thing I realized when I was going through my room is that I should really start writing again. I miss it. Hopefully being in a lit class and reading more will spark my creativity.

Ethan and I are still going strong. I'm falling for him more and more each day. <3 I've been feeling a little distant from Colin, lately, though. I don't want to lose him, because I care about him a lot too. I just need to put in some more effort. :) Everything can be fixed.

Well, Spooky wants to go to bed and I suppose I should too. Goodnight!

-Patty

WOW. Today.
>_>
Today was pretty crazy.
Well, I should say that TONIGHT was pretty crazy.

So, I'm chilling out, watching Lord of the Rings (Numero 1), had like, JUST taken a hit when Jo Jo Bean calls. (My roommate, Josiah. Yes, the Ex-boyfriend-Josiah. Crazy, and a little fucked up? Yeah.)

He's all like, "*Sniffle sniffle* Come get the truck in Sun Prairie."
I'm like, "WTF why?"
He's all like, "Just do it. *Cry Cry* Shit's gone down. I'm going to Waupaca for a week."
Me: O_O "Kaaaaaaay..." o_O
Him: "I wish I'd never given her a chance. *Cry Cry* I'll call you on Wednesday."
Me: still O_O...o_O..."WTF. No. You call me when you know where the fuck you're staying. I'll go get the truck."
Him: *Argue argue*
Me: *Win Win*
Him: "Fine."

So, I pick up my Bro. We go get the truck and come back, racing on the highway. :P We got up to 95 mph, I think. And Yeah. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. >_>

So, I'm going to finish my high and go to bed. Cuz yeah. >_

Last night was pretty awesome. I had the movie night, and even though there were only 5 of us, it was a really great night.
We watched Pulp Fiction first, since 3 out of 5 of us hadn't seen it. They agreed. It was fucked up but totally awesome. After that, we took shots, smoked some stuff that Ethan and I bought, and took a walk down to the park.
IT WAS AMAZING.
The sky was as clear as ever and the moon was a little bit less than full. It was soooooo beautiful. Especially seeing it off the lake. It was one of those things that you never realize how amazing something is until you see it in a different light or in a different state of mind. I still can't get over it. :)
After that, we ordered Pizza, drank some more and watched Invader Zim. Pretty sweet night.

But anyway, currently, I'm feeling pretty amazing. Had a hit this morning, and I took some Adderall about 2 hours ago. I should be cleaning my room since we're having a garage sale next week. I will in a bit. I just feel so, wow. I don't really care about anything.

I love it.
I love Red Bull.
I love Ethan.
I love Colin.
I love everything.
I love you. Whoever you are that is reading this. ^_^

-Patty

PS: haha. Recently found out that October pretty much left me for TK. Ah well. Hope she has as much "fun" as I did.

So, hello journal/blog thing.
I'm ready to finally go back to you. I know we've had a crazy on-off relationship. But I feel better about this time, because everything is coming out.

Starting from where I left off, Everyone still seems to hate me. I'm not really sure why. You would think that people would be much more mature. But Whatevs. School starts back up in a week and I still have some friends. And they aren't going to be there. So, does it matter? No. XP

First, some apologies.
1, Nathan. I'm sorry for everything I put you through, even if you never ever read this. You don't deserve someone like me, and I still care about you, but you're right. We could never work out. We're too independent for eachother. lol
2, October. Once again, I'm sorry for all you've gone through with me, too. I was in the process of figuring myself out and now that I know, I realize that we couldn't have done it. You want me all to yourself, and I can't do that for you. You're an amazing man, and I hope you get out of there soon enough, with or without my help.

Alright. As I'm sure all of you have guessed, This is partially about a boy. Well...not just any boy. The boy that I'm pretty sure has changed my life, whether he and I work out or not.

Ethan. Ethan E-P. He's my current boyfriend, and I couldn't be happier. He's a computer engineer, so smart, affectionate, and fire juggles. :P But the best part? (Besides the fact that we have perfect sex. :D) He's Polyamourous. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamourous) Which means he enjoys having multiple sexual partners and/or significant others. Sound familiar? Yep. I decided that's what I am. And he understands it. Now, This wouldn't matter much if we were only doing eachother, right?

Enter, Colin. Mmm. This boy...He's pretty amazing. An art major, a computer geek...I love it. ^_^ Now, For a month, Ethan and I had a little hiccup (Issues that I prefer not to get into.) And, during that time, CONvergence took place. It's a Con in MN, and we stay at Chris's (Which was awesome last year but was a little awkward this year. >_>). ANYWHO. I met Colin there. And we had some great sex. Not only that, but he was cool with my...Position when it came to relationships.

So, I told them about eachother.
And they don't care.
And now I feel awesome. ^_^ I do believe this is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I suppose I just didn't realize what I was, until I met a like person. And yeah, It's been hard opening up. I'm getting better though. Ethan and I are working through a lot of it together. The two of them plan on meeting eachother sometime this fall, when Colin comes down from MN. I'm sure they'll get along. I just hope they remember to share. lol

And now, for the rest of my life. (Which will probably take up about half of what my love life did. haha)
I start class in a week. SO excited. I'm done with summer. haha. I got a job as an Au Pair for some chemical engineer. His company is paying my $30/hr salary, so I don't care what he does. haha. IDK. I'm just so chill with life lately. Maybe it's the Weed? hahaha. Speaking of that, I'm really hoping to get some soon. Preferably before class starts.

Well, I think I'm done for today. Don't count on a strong updating schedule. I suck at schedules. XP

BYE~
Patty

PS: Oh. I'm done with Private entries. I'm making everything public. Cuz It doesn't matter who sees it. ^_^

So, I dunno why I'm going back to this for one incident.
Anyway.
I screwed my friend's ex.
I don't think it's that big of a deal.
I'm just pissed that other people do.
She broke up with him.
And It's not all my fault.
It takes two to tango.
So, I wasn't thinking about the consequences.
Who does when you're drunk?
I'm so sick of this drama.
It's got me smoking!
GODDAMNIT!
And of course, no girls are on my side.
Except for maybe Sarah.
Now I remember why I don't like girls as friends.
All the guys seem alright.
And if they're not, they don't tell me or get mad.
I should have expected this.
I kinda did, even from the first day I started hanging down here.
In anycase, I don't regret it a bit.
I had a good time.
He had a good time.
It was a sweet-ass birthday present.
And I hope that things work out eventually.

Fuck.
Why am I like this?
I just like someone.
A lot.
I like him a fucking lot and I've only known him for a week.
WTF.
I just want a guy here
I need someone here
Loving someone a thousand miles away is not enough
I want to text him 24/7
I don't want to creep him out
I just want to see him
hear him
feel him
I want to feel his body against mine.
Feel his lips touch mine.
We haven't even had a date yet
Fuck
He's probably scared about it now
He's probably going to call it off.
Why am I so bad at this?
I'm not psycho
I just want to be loved
I want him to hold me and kiss my forehead in public
hold my hand and have him tell me he thinks I'm cute
Whenever I see tosh.o I think of him
God, I want him.
If only he wanted me in the same way

Okay. I'm not explaining everything that's happened, so I'm just going to do a chronological list.

-Break up with Brian
-Go back to talking to Brian
-I Start talking to Cole on myspace
-I tell Brian about Cole
-Brian gets mad
-Brian stops talking to me.
-I go on awesome hanging out time with Cole
-Brian calls to tell me he can't stand talking to me anymore.
-Brian calls to tell me he can't stand not talking to me.
-Brian gives me an ultimatum. Now or Never
-I say give me some time.
-I'm pretty much ignoring him right now.

That's about it.
Yeah. Lots of Drama has been happening to me. O_O
But, that's about all. If you have any questions, leave me a comment.
Because that was all I had the time for.
BYE!

So, Brian and i are officially done and...

I don't really seem to mind.
I guess we all kinda know that it was going downhill. But, when he broke up with me, it was kinda scary. The things that he said at least. Especially to my mom. (If you want to know, ask me some other time) They were really almost Hitler-esque. Creepy, right?

Well, I got some new shoes and they are epic awesome!!! They're chucks, of course, but they're clear and the soles GLOW IN THE DARK. How Fucking bad ass is THAT! I promised my parents that if they got them for me, I would start wearing socks again, so I also got some cool socks. And a hat and a shirt. ^_^ I may be getting a new phone soon, too. My mom's cell is up for an upgrade and my parents usually give me the upgrade because, I'm cool. lol The phone I want is $119 though, but its one with a full keyboard. I don't want a blackjack or a touchscreen, though, because I'm clumsy and would mess stuff up with a touchscreen and I don't like butt dialing with a blackjack.

Oh yeah. I totally made out with Nick yesterday. ^_^ We had an epic fun time. We watched most of Boondock Saints. (Good movie! Totally recommend it!) And then after sharing a chicken for dinner, I had the whole Brian ordeal...GRR...Then, we came back to my house and watched REPO! It was great and it was so nice to be able to make out with someone. (As bad as that sounds. lol)

Well, That's pretty much it. And really, people. I'm fine. Don't think I'm just acting like this to hide my feelings. I do have a soul. I do still love him. I just knew it was coming.
BYE!

Well, time for me to dig up everything that I've kept hiding for a while. Well, not all of it. lol

Brian and I are taking a "break". Seeing other people. You know. It was originally my idea, but...I don't know if I'm so sure about it anymore. When I was with him, it was so easy to see myself with other guys. Just like Chris and Jay (I'll elaborate later). However, now that I'm practically single...I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I mean, I do want to meet other guys, I guess. Maybe it's that "You always want what you can't have" thing. Brian and I still talk, but I think he's trying to get me back through jealousy...well, it's working. Like, last night, we were talking and he kept getting text messages from "This Person". Grr...And today, he's doing something extra fun where I can't get a hold of him at all. I know exactly what he's doing and I hate that I'm totally falling for it. UGH! I don't think he wants this at all. He could have fucking told me. I'm going to confront him about it tomorrow or Monday. It just so...petty and childish! *sigh*

Well, you're probably wondering who Jay is now. lol. I met Jay when I was down in Florida at Hollywood Studios. He came up to me and said he liked my red beret and left. Later, we passed by again and he said hi. I thought I was totally going to see him again, so i started calling him Destiny Man as a joke. I never saw him again. That Day. Two days later, at Animal Kingdom, I run into him at the Dinosaur ride. (This time, there were witnesses, so I'm NOT crazy!) We talk for a little bit and we end up exchanging numbers. Well, he's pretty amazing. not only does he have gorgous eyes and hair, he has an amazing personality, too. One problem. He lives in North Carolina. *sigh* It totally sucks. We think we're going to see eachother again though, because if we met up again like that in Disney, It can totally happen again, right?

Well, I need to work on some stuff, so...See ya.

So, Chris and I are still going pretty strong. But I have a few dirty little secrets.

I let Charles finger me

And

I had sex with Cooper.

Yeah. A little unexpected, hmm? Well, I almost feel like I cheated on both of them, but I kinda feel worse about cheating on Chris. I know that may sound weird but it's true. I really do think I love him. I don't want to tell him, but I wish I could. He let me call him a few nights ago and we've been doing voice conversations. I really like and missed his voice. Fuck it. I love him. It's been a bloody month and I've fallen in love with the boy. Maybe one more month will do it. Two months is long enough right? It's a logical timeframe for falling in love...right? I just don't like how fast I fall. It freaks people out if I tell them. Grr...I just need the right moment.

So, hello all who read this regularly, and the new people that may have come across this on the Young Adult Lit blog. Sorry, I haven't updated in a while. The past 2 weeks have been pretty hectic.

For one, I sprained my Thumb on St Patricks Day by being a soccer goalie in gym. Yeah. It hyperextended and caused Tendentitus so, Monday, I'm going in for this injection thing. >_> I'm not exactly looking forward to it. lol

Two, The play is this weekend and Mrs A's been working us to the fracking BONE. I've had like, no time to myself at all. I even got sick from lack of sleep. Grr...

I hung out with Cooper yesterday. It was really fun. We watched a few movies and he's letting me join his Vlog that he does with Atticus. I told him that Ican be the female perspective. lol

Well, I may update later. The seven minute bell just rang. 
BYE!

So, Solo and Ensemble wasn't too bad. Ish.
Well, Clarinet Choir went okay, but not my solo. I forgot some of the words. >_< It was not good. My judge was really nice though, so who knows what she may have scored me as. I was too busy watching Watchmen when they posted the scores. lol Either that or I was eating Pie.
Happy Pi day, by the way!!! WOOT!
I had Pie at 3:14 PM on 3/14.
Kinda.
Close enough, at least. LOL
 
Well that's all for today. I should probably do some homework. lol
BYE
Patty

Yay! It's secret time!

So, Rappe was kinda telling me that I should stop things with Chris, So I talked to him about it and we discussed it for a long while. Basically,
-We know we can't ever be together because we haven't broken up with our significant others and have no intention to
-We're totally going to fuck around at Convergence.
-And still have the affair, because it's way too much fun to give it up.
haha we're so naughty, but I love it. I love the thrill of doing something that I'm not supposed to do. ^_^
Oh, I also found out that Chris is 21. O_O
2.1.
I'm having an affair with a 21 year old. How fracking crazy is that??? It's amazing though. Chris is amazing. He's just like a regular boyfriend. When we say goodnight, he even calls me hun. ^_^ I'm curious as to if we're ever going to say the three big words. >_< I think both of us are a little scared to, even if we feel that way. That would mean that we'd fallen in love with someone else and...what will we do when we have to end this affair? Grr...that question racks my mind, but it'm not going to worry about it now. For now, I'll have fun. If he says it, then we can worry.
Well, that's enough scandal for tonight.

Patty

So, sorry I haven't been updating about my life much. Anything exciting has been a little private. lol I do have Solo and Ensemble on Saturday though...which sucks because I haven't touched my solo since he gave it to me like...a month ago. LOL

And that's all folks. no more to update. Love you all!
BYE!
Patty

"If it's good to complicate,
                "Then both of us are doing fine...
       "Just keep your eyes on your heart,
                           "And leave me alone to mine..."
-Diamonds and Coal, Incubus


Oh...Hey-zeus. Let me give you a rundown of the last few days between Chris and I.

Friday Night:
Chirs: Hey I'm bored at a party! Want to stay up with me?
Patty: Sure! Sounds fun!
Chris and Patty: *Text Sex until 3AM*
Yeah. That's right. We had Text Sex. Which I want to call Phone sex, but it's not because It's with texting...on the phone...>_> Anyway. Yeah. It was pretty nice and, even though Chris was kinda stalling after the Foreplay, It went okay. I don't blame him. He's a virgin. lol I'd like to make him not one though. ^_-

Saturday:
Sandra's Party. Chris and I talk because her party epicly sucks. lalala Off to the Dells. Chris has Strike, can't talk much. I go to bed. He texts me afterward. All is nice and Chipper. ^_^

Sunday:
My phone fails to send me any texts until around 4pm and I'm freaking out, thinking that Chris is ignoring me. Told me he wasn't. He had to study for test. I was cool with it, didn't text him until later that night. Asked if I was going to bed. I said maybe, then decide I am because I have an early day. *NOTE* Maddie and him were studying. (No. Nothing sexual went on between them. I don't even know why I'm clarifying. I'm the only one seeing this. *eye roll*)

Today:
Rappe tells me that he was talking to Chris. I ask Chris what horrible lies Rappe has been saying about me. Rappe says that Chris is still scared about getting mono. Chris tells me that Rappe said I use boys as toys. I tell him I don't. I yell at Rappe. I assure Chris that he will NOT get mono and to ask me before he believes anything Rappe tells him. Chris asks me to explain the Boytoy thing. I try. I fail. He wants a better explanation. I'm afraid to give it to him because it might scare him away. He goes to Director auditions. I'm left trying to figure out what the hell to do.

Yep. It's a little on ice right now. I mean...I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to scare him away. I want to tell him, "You're not a toy because I have feelings for you. Like, true, I-think-I'm-falling-for-you feelings." But I totally think he's going to be like, "Oh shit. What have I gotten myself into? This girl's crazy! RUN!" I just...don't want to lose him. Oddly, I really do want to be with him. But I can't because I really love Brian and I'm already planning my life around him. And, i don't see things working out in the long run for Chris and I but...I want to be with him for now. I think I'm going to tell him though. I'd rather he run away now than I be so far down, that I can't pick myself up again. ugh...FML. I just want to know how to love 2 people at once. T_T